New Beginnings

I’ve been in a self induced cocoon for many years.

It began with the end of my marriage, then the pandemic, then primary caregiver for my dad, then the end of my relationship of my aunt, and so much more.

Life handed me so many things that took me years to get through. Alone.

I’ve emerged (finally) on the other side with a whole new perspective.

My fear and being uncomfortable to present myself as a new person held me back. In fact, the person I’ve always been was hidden – the avatar I needed to be so I was liked and loved was what I had to do and became the me at the time.

This is so deep and won’t go into this here. But after this week and a whole lot of healing, I found that I can be ME! I have nothing more to lose. I am finally the most comfortable with being me – different physical, mental and even voice – than I’ve presented before. I’m finally me. I have not felt this kind of freedom in probably forever. I always have had to be someone else to fit in, to be liked, and to be loved. Many times (most times, actually), that still wasn’t enough.

Recently, I re-connected with some very dear friends from different times in my life. My initial reaction was to just let it all be in the past. However, I’m ever so grateful that these amazing women accepted me as I am NOW.

I’d pretty much decided that I don’t care what people think, nor will what they think will change my direction. What I forgot was that I love being with special people. I love doing whatever I can to help people. And, of course, animals. I love doing what I can to help and make this a better place. Always leaving any place I’ve ever been better than I found it.

Although I’m an Empath and need to heal and be alone sometimes, I do miss the huge amount of love I feel from those whom might be happy I’ve been part of their lives. I always just wanted to be loved for who I am. Strange, alien, just me. Not always easy as I rarely presented the real me.

One of my husbands said to me that I give too much. Maybe one reason why we didn’t make it. But, it shaped me – as all of my relationships did, including the ones with my parents and what I did to keep/fake friendships. I always just wanted to be wanted and loved for who I am.

I truly feel like I’ve been smothered. And, I allowed it. Now, finally, I am me. I hope my dear friends will accept me as I am now. The true me. I honestly don’t want to keep apologizing for who I am. And, my dearest friends – whom have actually waited for me to come back and given me the space (and years) to go through what I needed to – I love you dearly. Thank you for always believing in me. You are precious and I adore you.

I’ve wanted to be a writer my entire life. I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t telling stories. My elementary teacher in Glendale, CA, told my mom I have quite an imagination. I was also always marked badly for talking and not doing what was expected. I learned to curb that so I would be loved.

All that is for another time. But, what I want to stress today is how grateful that I am for those whom have held on to me, allowed me to take the time, and have embraced the new me (really, the real me with basically no filters anymore).

I’m no longer a spring chicken (something my dad and I would always say), and my mom died at 69 (just 5 years from my age now).

My goal, for as long as I can, is to make a difference.

What do you want to do to make a difference? With everything happening, and life’s uncertainty – what do you want to do to make a difference with all we have left? Please don’t wait or hesitate – years will go by. Find you, find whom you want to be and what you want to do.

I send you only love and happiness!!! Be true to yourself, please.