New Beginnings

I tend to actually have a lot of introspection this time of year. A lot of memories, thinking about what was and what could be, and a lot of gratefulness.

As I think about the past, I remember Thanksgiving with my mom and dad. My mom would make the turkey and we would go over to their house to eat. I remember even farther back. Going to my Grandparents’ house in Iowa. My dad’s parents. We would all be in the kitchen (the women/girls) to cook while the men/boys were in the living room watching football. This was in the late 70’s, early 80’s. I remember after the meal, all the women/girls would go in the kitchen to clean up and the men/boys would go back into the living room. I also remember that often, I would be with the guys in the living room while everyone else was in the kitchen. I am surprised that memory came to mind, I’d not thought about that for a very long time. I was a rebel even then.

As time went on, I ended up being the woman in the kitchen. My last marriage was when I felt like the outsider the most. My ex and his family (two adult kids/one spouse and eventually a baby) would all sit in the living room to watch football and talk while I was the one in the kitchen. Both before the meal and after. Not a single one went in to help me. When my sister, nephew and dad were with us – my dad would go back to his space, my sister and nephew would help me in the kitchen while the others would hang together. Always the outsider, even when it was my family and home.

At one point, my sister, nephew and I would volunteer with a group that served Thanksgiving dinner to anyone who came in. It was very rewarding and I loved doing it. Until… the wonderful good deeds became commercial and very social. It became the thing to do – the one good deed for people to feel good about. There were more “volunteers” than patrons. People stood around and talked and wanted to be seen. That completely ruined the experience. Not for the patrons, thankfully, but for me. I decided I really didn’t want to do that anymore and then the Pandemic happened anyway, so the event was cancelled. I didn’t feel like I was making a difference and really wanted to do more. But, not just at Thanksgiving – people are hungry all year around. I always wanted to make people happy, even for a few minutes.

This brings me to today. With all the Thanksgivings in my history, those were a few that stood out. What I remember generally was it was always a time for our little family to get together. We’ve missed a few – my sister with her other family, me with my other family or skiing. Now, it’s just my sister and me alone this year. No husbands/partners, no parents, no nephew (who now has his own life). Just me and my sister.

Me in my head a lot today, my sister dealing with life in general. But, we have each other. No cooking, no cleaning, no football. Just us. With our memories, our take out turkey, and each other.

My gratitude is very deep for everyone in my life right now. I’m grateful for those whom have stuck things out with me while I’m still trying to find myself – even at this late stage in life. I’m grateful for my memories – good and not so good. I’m grateful for this house I fought for and the memories of my dad still in it. I’m grateful that every day I get to make a difference in the world. And, I’m very grateful for life. There’s still so much more to do – more memories, more differences, and more gratitude.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all. May you be with those you love and who love you. May you feel nothing but gratitude today (and forever).